This post isn’t about Kitty Hawk’s last port visit, because I really don’t care.
We recently visited Hong Kong for a few days, and try as we may, me and my liberty buddies gave up all our original plans for the warmth of neon lights and the comfort of businesses of ill repute. I’ve been trying to articulate exactly how I’m feeling, but I just can’t. I spent too much money, drank and smoked too much, and put myself in the familiar position of morale confusion. About three times I actually went over the pros and cons of just not going back to the ship in my head, but in the end the smarter part of me went back. I’m not even sure what to call how I’m feeling about anything. My self, my life, my job, my future…nothing.
I was talking to a friend who remarked how leaving the Navy reminded him of a cliché war movie. “What did you do in the Navy” they’ll ask. “Bad things” would be my reply, requiring no further explanation. I’ll toss and turn when trying to go to sleep, and just leave everything I used to know or care about behind. I don’t even see how I could be honest with myself and still assimilate into the normality of civilian life. I just don’t see it. Before I’d ever come here I had my own ideas on how things were and how I wanted them to be. But ever since I’ve been out here, gone to the places I’ve gone and done what I’ve done, I don’t understand anything anymore. I don’t believe I could ever be happy with a regular “good” girl. I don’t know how I could ever be religious after some of the things I’ve seen and done, partly out of fear for where I’d end up. As much as I hate the bitch that is a ship, she is seriously the only place I feel somewhat at home.
I don’t know who, but since I’m a pretty average guy, I know that statistically there are many fellow Sailors that understand the situation I’m in and the dilemmas I always seem to find myself fighting with. I think I’m at the point where I want to just give in to all the temptations that comes with being a fleet Sailor. Hide my skin with tattoos that remind me of the hard times, broken hearts, and shameless time with my shipmates. Get married to some Filipina or Thai girl, develop a ridiculous alcohol addiction and eventually meet my fate getting thrown from the second floor during a bar brawl. I know it’s not glamorous or anything, but I see it as being the only place I can go. You can judge me, but you do not understand unless you’ve been in the same situation. The worst thing about this post, is I still latch on to some sort of shame or worry about who will read this and what they’ll think that I couldn’t be as truly honest and open as I wanted.
Since I’m just rambling, let me end this post with two things. One’s a quote that best sums up all of this, and then a poem…yes a poem, written by someone who is able to understand what’s happening better than I can.
“The wonder is always new that any sane man can be a sailor.”
– Ralph Waldo Emerson
The Double Life
By Don BlandingHow very simple life would be
If only there were two of me
A Restless Me to drift and roam
A Quiet Me to stay at home.
A Searching One to find his fill
Of varied skies and newfound thrill
While sane and homely things are done
By the domestic Other One.And that’s just where the trouble lies;
There is a Restless Me that cries
For chancy risks and changing scene,
For arctic blue and tropic green,
For deserts with their mystic spell,
For lusty fun and raising Hell
But shackled to that Restless Me
My Other Self rebelliously
Resists the frantic urge to move.
It seeks the old familiar groove
That habits make. It finds contentWith hearth and home dear prisonment,
With candlelight and well loved books
And treasured loot in dusty nooks,
With puttering and garden things
And dreaming while a cricket sings
And all the while the Restless One
Insists on more exciting fun
It wants to go with every tide,
No matter where… just for the ride.
Like yowling cats the two selves brawl
Until I have no peace at all.One eye turns to the forward track,
The other eye looks sadly back,
I’m getting wall-eyed from the strain,
(It’s tough to have an idle brain)
But One says “Stay” and One says “Go”
And One says “Yes,” and One says “no,”
And One Self wants a home and wife
And One Self craves the drifter’s life.The Restless Fellow always wins
I wish my folks had made me twins.
Comments 16
I think a Filipina gril or Thai girl would be a lovely way to spend the day, perhaps a night of drunken delight. As for the 2nd Floor flight and bar room fight, I’ll take a pass and another brown lass. Cheers.
Posted 04 May 2008 at 1:48 am ¶Damn dude. You just articulated what’s been running through my mind ever since I came off the ship and hit shore duty… Nice post.
Posted 04 May 2008 at 7:09 pm ¶Dude it’s called sowing your wild oats when you’re young. Eventually you grow up (or don’t) and then settle down.
Posted 04 May 2008 at 10:25 pm ¶Well at least Jesus doesn’t want to bitch slap the hell out of you. I’m pretty sure he’s going to take it to my ass when i die for what i did the last night. I’ve done lots of “bad” things with women of questionable integrity but getting plowed out of my skull and paying a deformed, burnt, and possible mentaly handicapped chinese guy to take a picture cause i thought he looked cool is something i will truly burn in hell for. I don’t think you have to worry about how who ever is upstairs getting angry at you, all lights are on me at this point in time.
Posted 05 May 2008 at 1:16 am ¶Meh i know how you feel. I was truly contemplating coming back to the ship after the time i had in Hong Kong. I used to remember my morales when i got here and thinking bar girls are wrong, buy me drink girls are wrong, illegit massage parlors are wrong. I used to think i would never get a tattoo or even drink. Then it hit me that one bad thing that made it all crash down and become much like all my other fellow sailors. I think about finding a fhilipina or thai chick as well but hey like MoeDee said you either grow up in the end or it all crashes down on you and youll never be sain. At that point i dont think you could live with yourself not being a sailor. I dont think i could get out just because who i am now because of the navy i dont think i would make it in a normal world after having such an abnormal time.
Posted 06 May 2008 at 12:52 am ¶KJ: I know what you mean. I’ve done some shit that normal people just wouldn’t get. I’d rather stay around my own degenerate kind than go off and act like I was completely unaffected by the destruction of any morale system I thought I had. The bright side is while other people in your life will leave you, those neon lights and beautiful girls will always be waiting with open arms.
Posted 06 May 2008 at 1:12 am ¶Sounds to me like you’ve got a hangover, and not one of those hangovers that clears up with some aspirin, water, and are gone by dinner time the day after. Your’s is a hangover of the soul, one that only comes after an epic, multi-day bender. Such a long time under alcohol’s hazy spell has averted your gaze inward, to the deepest, blackest and most miserable depths of your being, leaving you with feelings of fear and loathing…
It ought to clear up by week’s end– any longer than that and you may as well embrace it, get a tat and find your bargirl.
Posted 06 May 2008 at 3:08 am ¶Cut the shit James!! Behave yourself. Stay away from those “girls” go home where your mommy loves you.
Posted 06 May 2008 at 2:41 pm ¶oh, and neon lights are bad for you.
Posted 06 May 2008 at 2:42 pm ¶KJ; no, you can eventually get out and return to the states and still function. The only thing is you may get a shit eating grin when memories are triggered of interesting Navy times. My first civilian job interview was with a Human Resource Director who happened to be a good looking woman of Filipina descent. I did’nt get the job probaly because I just sat there and grinned. The main problem is not being able to share your stories with non-Navy vets. Tried explaining the game “smiles” to some teachers one time and they looked at me like I raped their daughters. Luckily, I have some retired Navy buddies in the area that I can swap memories with that maintains my sanity. Everyone else just knows this old fart that grins a lot. So don’t rationalze or moralize your liberty, just enjoy it now so you can grin later!
Posted 06 May 2008 at 5:24 pm ¶It’s never too late to become all that you might have been.
Posted 06 May 2008 at 5:29 pm ¶Is buying sex or settling for a mail order bride really all that unique of an activity while visiting 3rd world Asian countries?
How cliché.
D-sider, I’ve met a few of your dirt-baggish kind over the years and believe me, it wasn’t your smile that prevented you from getting the job.
Posted 06 May 2008 at 6:34 pm ¶Actually i love the neon lights i see them and say hey whats inside. Of course i already know whats inside one day ill have to stray away from them lol. As for buying sex and mail order brides in 3rd world asian countries is not all that unique so far every country i have visited out here has the same options and there usually not hard to find sadly enough. i try to stay away i swear but the dam neon lights keep pulling me in like a moth to the flame. One day ill go back to the states i just dont want to end up like most of the chiefs i know onboard who i think will never have a grasp on reality ever again. Good thing the neon lights will always be there for me = D
Posted 06 May 2008 at 11:04 pm ¶I know exactly what you mean Jim, just after comming from thailand I can honestly say that a sickly sweet substance, in my mind, resembling a black tar now covers my soul and is not likely to fade anytime soon.
Friends remark about how they can’t wait to leave the navy, I can’t think of civilian life the same. The humdrum existance, the same 9 to 5 drive, office full of “mondays”, and the suits and ties that awaits many ITs, to me, is much more frieghtening than anything else I could imagine.
Posted 07 May 2008 at 12:08 am ¶Really wrote:
D-sider, I’ve met a few of your dirt-baggish kind over the years and believe me, it wasn’t your smile that prevented you from getting the job.
Really
Posted 07 May 2008 at 2:10 am ¶You think it was my tie? But seriously, I wish I had your ability to quickly pass judgement on a person, amazing. I just hope you are not manning the Pearly Gates when I visit.
Love ya anyway.
You know what now that i really think about out of all the fucked up shit I’ve done i really regret none of it. I can’t really blame the navy on how i’ve turned out since i know the tar started building up on my soul before hand. Hell the first time i payed for any sort of sexual favor i was wasted in London and thanks to the shitty exchange rate greatly over paid for a hand job. In my defense i was really drunk. Coming here just allowed that tar to grow faster. Now I’m bathing in that soul tar and enjoying it. Fuck it we only live once, why not have some fucking fun. Sure i may have a hangover of the soul (greatly put by the way Zero) but the best cure is to drink more. If others on the outside don’t get how we are then we need to indoc them into it.
Posted 07 May 2008 at 4:07 pm ¶Post a Comment
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