FEWL.NET

Being the IT guy on the ship, I’m commonly the “go-to” guy when it comes to any and all computer issues. The position has it perks, as I’m sometimes hooked up by colleagues who happen to be in convenient positions, but more often than not, it’s the bane of my existence. Everyone knows who I am and what I do, but I’m usually just the guy people blame when they can’t get to a website or their e-mail is acting up. It’s a lonely life, that of the IT guy. Most of my social interaction on the ship tends to be similar to the following:

Random Person: Hey Jim, how ya doin’?
Me: *dreading the inevitable* Not bad I guess. I just got off a watch and I can’t…
Random Person: Yeah I know how that goes, hey my computer is acting all weird and I was wondering if you…

At this point I usually just want to punch the random person in the mouth for tricking me into thinking he actually cared how I was feeling, and really just wanted to bypass the official method of addressing computer issues to get his shit fixed. I know it can be frustrating to have computer issues that prevent you from getting your work done, but do you really think telling me about it when I’m in the breakfast line, or while you’re in the stall next to me while I’m crapping, is really going to make me get to it any quicker. If anything, you’ll be waiting a lot longer as I’m in the process of hanging myself from the ship’s mast.

Another drawback of being in my position, is that people want help with more than just their work computers. People ask me all types of shit, some of it easy where a one sentence reply usually suffices, to some crazy shit that people spend years of school to figure out. I figured since I get asked a lot of questions repeatedly, that I’d list them here with my usual answers, or at least the ones I wish I could give.

1: How do I copy music from my iPod to my computer?

Apple is pretty lame in that they don’t let you easily take the music back off of your iPod to be played on your computer. Luckily, some developers have figured out how and have created programs specifically for this purpose. Try the free EphPod, which works for both Windows and Linux. If you’re the generous type, you can try the commercial programs iPodAccess($19.90 for Windows or Mac) and TuneJack ($10 for Windows.)

2: How do I copy a DVD to my computer or DVD-R?

It’s amazing how many people want to steal digital media. I can’t be a hypocrite though, because I burn/rip/copy just about everything I can get my hands on. Just be warned that breaking any kind of security system for the purpose of “stealing” media, even if only for personal use, is a violation of the DMCA.

To copy a DVD to your computer as an AVI video file, read my Ripping a DVD to AVI in 7 Easy Steps.
To copy a DVD to a recordable DVD-R, use either. DVDShrink (FREE!), or DVD neXt COPY Xpress ($49.99).

3: Why can’t I play a DVD I bought in another country?

Seeing as how we hit a lot of foreign ports, someone inevitably purchases a legitimate DVD, only to find it doesn’t play on their laptop. This is due to most DVDs being encoded with a “region code” designed to restrict their ability to play in only certain regions of the world. This is basically just another way the big media companies try to control who can do what with the products they sell you. You can read more about this crap from the WikiPedia entry here. The easiet way to bypass this is by using software that will temporarily “remove” region information from a DVD while you watch or rip it. While there are a number of programs that do this, I think SlySoft’s AnyDVD ($70) works the best.

4: Why can’t I play a video file?

Sometimes I’ll get a guy who has downloaded a video file, but when he tries to play it, it’ll either crap out with an error or just play without showing the video or sound. The most likely cause is a missing codec, or something that was used to encode and compress the video when it was being created. To play the video, you’ll need the same codec installed on your own system. The easiest way to find out which codec was used on a specific video file, is by using GSpot. Once the codec has been identified, it can most likely be downloaded from Free-Codecs.com. If you’d prefer to just skip all of that, you can download VLC Player, a free open-source video player with support for most common codecs.

5: Where can I download music?

iTunes would be the easy answer, but what they’re really asking is “How can I download music without paying for it.” In short, use LimeWire or another Peer-to-Peer (P2P) program. There are two things you need to know about using this method, however.

For one, there are a lot of scam sites that claim to offer these programs, but for a small fee. The majority of these programs have free versions and I would suggest that you never ever pay for any of these programs whatsoever. Secondly, this is illegal. If you want to lower the possibility of being hemmed up for using any of these programs, be sure to turn OFF the sharing option when installing it. Sure, you may be labeled an asshole by all the purist file-sharers out there, but unless they offer to pay your legal bills, screw ‘em.

6: Why is my computer so slow?

In short, because you suck at using computers. Don’t take it personally, some people just aren’t good at it. I’m in the same boat when it comes to automobiles. I can drive just fine, but God help me if my tire goes flat or my oil needs changing.

The most common reasons I’ve seen computers slow to a crawl is because of spyware/adware infestations and lack of any computer upkeep. To learn more about adware/spyware is, check here. Next, do the following things:

• If you use Internet Explorer, stop! IE is inherently vulnerable to spyware/adware installs. You’ll be much safer using an alternative browser, like FireFox.
• Download, install, and run the following programs: Ad-Aware, HijackThis, and Spybot S&D. Read the included documentation on how to use each program.
• Go to Start > Run… and type: cleanmgr to run the Desktop Cleanup utility.
• Go to Start > Run… and type: dfrg.msc to run the Disk Defragmenter utility.
• This isn’t a comprehensive list, but it’s a good start.

7: How do I stop people from using my wireless connection?

Many people like the convenience of having wireless Internet in their homes. What they fail to realize is that if they just start using their wireless router out of the box, without configuring any of its security settings, then everyone within range is using it too. To access your router’s configuration, first connect to it wirelessly and open http://192.168.1.1 in your web browser, as this is usually the default gateway for any router. If you don’t get the router configuration page, consult the product documentation as it may differ. If you forget the username and password for the router’s configuration page, look at this list of default user/password combinations. Finally, read these tips for securing your wireless network.

8: I forgot the password to my computer, how do I get back in?

Every so often someone brings me their laptop with a look of distress. They forgot their password, and can’t for the life of them remember what it is. They always have something super important to do and they need in ASAP. Even we have this problem with uncooperative workstations. Our preferred method is using the Offline NT Password Reset tool, from a bootable floppy of CD. You may find that resetting the password doesn’t always work, especially on XP/Vista. In that case, just use the option to “blank” it a few times, and then log in with the username and a blank password.

9: How do I download YouTube videos?

If you use FireFox, try using this add-on. Otherwise, you can use the KeepVid.com website to download videos from YouTube and other sites.

10: Which Antivirus program should I use?

This is a hard question to answer, because everyone seems to have their own preference. I use Symantec’s antivirus products, but many people think they’re too bulky and resource intensive. Others don’t like paying for antivirus software. You can purchase AVS products from the big vendors, Symantec, McAfee, TrendMicro. Or if you prefer the free route, try something like AVG Antivirus. Regardless of your choice, it is a MUST to have some sort of antivirus software running, or you’re just a sitting duck. As a reminder, those in the military can get all three of the above commercial products for free, just talk to your IT guys.

11: Which new computer PC or laptop should I buy?

This is another personal preference question. There are so many variables involved that it takes too much time and energy trying to explain it to the person asking. In my opinion, it’s better to build your own computer and you get what you pay for. Unfortunately, I’ve seen users screw computers up in some really impressive ways, that I’ve lost all faith in humanity’s ability to use computers efficiently. In short, it doesn’t matter what you buy as you’ll probably have it running like a piece of shit in a week.

12: Do you have a free copy of Microsoft Windows?

No. Either buy a legitimate copy, or try an alternative like Ubuntu.

13: Do you have a free copy of Microsoft Office?

No. No. Either buy a legitimate copy, or try an alternative like OpenOffice.

14: How do I recover lost or deleted files?

It seems people are always accidentally deleting important files, or suffering catastrophic computer crashes that require them to reinstall Windows. While the file may have been “deleted,” when you reformatted or threw it in the Recycle Bin, there’s a good chance it’s still somewhere on the hard drive and can be recovered. There are tons of commercial programs, but I tend to stick with FreeUndelete which is obviously free. I’ve used it many times for personal and work-related problems, so I highly recommend it.

15: How do I hack a Yahoo!/Hotmail/AOL account?

I’ve heard every reason in the book why someone needs to “hack” a webmail account. From “I forgot my password” to “I think my wife is cheating on me.” While it may be possible in some circles, under certain conditions, my answer is always the same. There’s no way. Get a new account, or get a divorce.

16: How did my MySpace account get hacked?

This is a relatively new one, but an apparent rash in MySpace account hacking has left a lot of people wondering how. While the method may be different for some, I’ve noticed that most MySpace account’s are stolen because the owner unknowingly divulged their password. A common trick I’ve seen is a hacker posting an image on someone’s MySpace profile. The image looks like it’s a MySpace video of some sexy girl or something, but it’s actually an image that links to a fake MySpace login page. The person who clicks the link is told they have to log in to MySpace again to see the video. At this point, they just enter their info and try to get to the video. A day later, they’re dumbfounded as to why they can’t log in anymore, and why their account is posting a bunch of “videos” on all their friends’ profiles.

17: Where can I download porn?

I swear I get this question on a weekly basis. I don’t know how so many people can spend their days online and not know where to download porn. I’m not a complete pervert, so I don’t have any links I give off hand, but I do tell them that it’s easy to find, but also pretty risky. A lot of scam sites are set up under the guise of free porn sites. When a person visits them, they’re usually bombarded with drive-by downloads that infect their computer with adware/spyware. In this situation, I again encourage everyone to start using FireFox, or just sign up to a legitimate adult website.

18: Can you fix my computer for me?

I don’t understand why people have no problem asking me to fix their computer, which is pretty much what I do for a living, yet they wouldn’t dare ask a car mechanic to fix their car for free. Honestly, I usually just grit my teeth and tell them I’ll take a look at it, but I really wish people would stop acting like I’m their personal tech support. No one ever offers to pay me for it either. I wouldn’t really take the money, but it’s the thought that counts. Here’s something for all you “users” out there. When your computer is need of some repairs, either learn how to do it yourself, or take it to a computer repair shop. Do not, under any circumstance, bother your IT guys with it. They have enough issues they have to deal with, to worry about fixing a computer you’ll break again in a week.

19: Want to hear about the sweet new computer I bought/built?

No. Please stop talking to me. There seems to be this myth that all computer guys spend their off-time wanking it to Anime porn, reading comic books, and talking about new computer technology with other nerds. It might be true for some, but certainly not for me. I don’t care what computer you just built, I don’t care what processor is running in it, I don’t care about anything whatsoever dealing with you and your computers. I’m impressed that you have a hobby that happens to be similar to mine, but don’t take that as a sign that we’re somehow meant to be friends. I do not care.

20: How do I…?

Seriously, why are we still having this discussion. There’s a magical place on the Interwebs where everyone goes to find information about anything, it’s called Google. Please, for Pete’s sake, set it as your homepage and consult it before consulting me for anything. Pleeeeease.

That’s it. It’s not a very concise list, hell, it’s not even very informative. I hope no one thinks I’m an asshole after reading it. It’s not as if I think I’m better than anyone else, I just absolutely hate what I do for a living. Are you an IT guy that’s hounded by repetitive questions day in and day out? Leave them in the comments.